Not long ago, I found the blog of lecturer from TOA while browsing the net. Thinking that it would be interesting, I clicked on the link to view his blog. I have to admit, I was feeling a little mischievous at this point; hoping to find some information that I can (probably) use against him. Yea, I'm mean that way...=/
Okay, summary on my P.O.V towards this lecturer:
It's not that I have a problem with him, but there was a period where I had extreme dislike for him due to something that happened between us after the first few weeks the semester commenced. It was just his attitude, he always seemed so sarcastic and ignorant towards how other people felt!!! (Truthfully, I was just being oversensitive at that time XP) But when he suddenly became very generous when giving me marks for my final project, my perception of him totally changed. Haha. I know, it sounds cheap, but before that I thought that he was some cold hearted guy who enjoyed torturing his students,so I was pretty taken aback when he gave me some words of encouragement, and 4/5 for progress marks.*cough* I even felt kinda guilty for holding a resentment against him...
So, while reading his blog, I discovered a lot of intriguing things about him. Things that made me laugh, ponder and also "sweat in disbelief". It was a very ...very revealing blog, so very personal. So much so that when I read the first blog entry, I wondered,"Hey, is this really him..??" I continued to enjoy reading his blog, but as I went on(well, actually I was reading starting from his most recent blog entry), I realized that I started to delve deeper and deeper into his personal problems, his struggles in life, and,(as I see it) his dire need to make sense of himself and everything that happens around him.
This wasn't the lecturer I thought I knew.
It appalled me that he was...very much like the rest of us, students. Despite putting up a professional front in class, he is just a normal person. He knew he had so much more to learn in life and he never justified himself for mistakes he had done. It's weird, did I expect him to have reached the highest attainable level of human emotional and mental development? (If there is something like that..) Just because he was a trained professional and an adult, I assumed that he probably wouldn't have the same set of problems that most teenagers and young adults have- the struggle to find our identity and place in the world. I felt as though I had just taken a peek at the face behind the mask he had been wearing.
I couldn't read anymore.
It was quite some time after that when I decided to go to bed. Lying in bed with a restless mind, I thought about all the stuff I had read from his blog. I wondered, if I could ever look at him in the same light again. I knew too much. How can I ever face him again? I should have stopped reading when I could. I felt ashamed at myself. I'm still so naive and childish. It was another one of those moments where I felt like I hadn't grown much since I was 13. I'm so stupid...
But then, a realization suddenly hit me. This lecturer, he isn't afraid to admit his problems (although he constantly thinks about them), and he strongly believes that he can be a better person someday. Although he can't let go of certain things in life, he took other things in his stride. His biggest flaw is that, he can't forgive himself for mistakes he have done. I felt as though I could relate to him. It was only after that that I fell asleep. Thinking, " I can't wait for the next semester to start."
Life is a never ending learning process. I seemed to have I understood those words a little deeper after that. I have to start telling myself, "Don't worry about falling, because that's what it takes to learn how to fly."
You and I still have a long way to go, mind joining me in this journey? =)
No day but today originally uploaded by Hans van de Vorst in Flickr
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